Katie's Korner

Breast cancer

2008-08-23T00:04:00.000-07:00

Yes, I'm doing it again - I signed up for the 2008 Breast Cancer 3-Day! I've had such an incredible experience doing the 3-Day for the last 4 years that I'm going back for more. I'm so excited about this event, even though this year I really know what I've gotten myself into.
This event isn't easy, but I promise you, I wouldn't be doing it if I didn't believe 100% that it was worth every muscle ache, weary night and training walk!

I need your help. I am planning on raising $2,200.00 to help fight breast cancer and bring an end to this disease. The sooner I raise my money, the more I can concentrate on my training.
As most of you know, my best friend Eileen fought this disease for 5 years and 3 days, she lost her battle on June 26, 2008. She had been through multiple rounds of chemotherapy and radiation. 2 months after she was diagnosed she found out it was in her bones, it was very painful. 2 1/2 months before she passed, she was admitted to the hospital for the first time with Acute Kidney Failure. After that her pain had increased even more. I was by her side every step of the way until the end. It was an honor and a privilege to take care of her and be with her during her final months.

While I'm walking this year I know Eileen will be by my side carrying me to the end. With all that she went through, I know I can do this. It's the least I can do.

If you have any questions or want to hear more about what I'm doing, I love talking about the event. Thanks for all of your support. I'm incredibly lucky to have people like you in my life!
Enclosed is a donation form, you can either mail it in or donate on-line. If you are unable to donate please, please, please share this letter with others so they can show their generosity.

You can go directly to my web page at: http://08.the3day.org/goto/katieshannon .

Thank you in advance for your generosity,
Katie
P.S. Don't wait - donate today!

difficult time

2008-08-22T23:26:00.000-07:00

The last 2 months have been a very difficult time for me, today is especially difficult. I miss my beloved best friend very much. She's only been gone for 2 months. The time I took care of her during her last 2 months was so rewarding and sad and I had the opportunity to tell her she was the love of my life and that I will always love her. We never had a sexual encounter but everything else we did have was definately a relations you would have with a partner. So I feel, that when she passed on, I lost my partner, my partner of 14 years.
I so want to call her up and say "Hi honey how are, I love you."

I feel very alone. I have a four friends to talk to and they understand what I'm going through and are very supportive, they tell me that people go through grief differently and you're grieving the only way you know how. I just want the saddness and doom and gloom to go away.

I hope that one day I will find happiness and be able to share my wonderful memories of her.

"Labels"

2007-07-31T21:21:00.000-07:00

My friend said "I know someone who wants to meet you". I said "OK". We were sending tests each for maybe 3 minutes and then I said "why don't I call you". I think texts are immature and impersonal. She said "OK". We talked on the phone for a little, ya know the regular stuff. What do you do for a living? Where do you work? Where do you like to go out? She just had a bad break up which makes me a little gun shy, I don't want someone on the rebound. After about 30 or so minutes we ended the call.

A couple of hours later I got a call from my friend and she wanted to know if I was "butch". I told her I don't use labels and I wouldn't even know how to label myself. Labels are not important to me, as long as you have a good heart and do not try to intentionally try to hurt people. Age is just a number, size is just that a size. My best friend from New York That I grew up with is straight, she outed me to my Mom. My best friend from nursing school is straight and I would do anything in the world for her. I have other friends that are lesbian, gay and straight and I have danced with someone who is transgender and has had all her surgeries. I don't place judgement on any of those people and don't want labels placed on me!!!!!!!!!!!

Why do some people think it's so important to label? I don't care if you are straight, lesbian, gay, transgender, bi, transsexual, short, tall, thin or not so thin. You are a person and you deserve to be treated with dignity and respect.

I have short hair and never wear make up or a dress, does that make me butch? Does it really matter? Maybe I'm a tweener, ya know somewhere between a butch and a fem. Maybe I'm a fem and just don't know. Either way it, doesn't matter to me.

The physical change is starting to happen

2007-06-17T03:47:00.000-07:00

My body is starting to change. Since my last post I have lost 32 pounds. My clothes are getting bigger. I figure in 2-3 weeks I will have to get new uniforms for work. I still have a lot of old clothes that I grew out of so I shouldn't have to buy too many casual clothes.

Another thing I've noticed is that I am more confident. I am not afraid to ask for help at work and I don't feel stupid when I do ask. I also don't let people intimidate me. I have the courage to stand up for what I need and believe and I express that in a professional manner.

I have more energy now but it's not at the right time of day. I can't very well go for a walk at 2am, not too safe. I am going to start swimming this week, and start walking next weekend in the early morning, it's already getting up to 105-110 degrees on a regular basis. All the swimming and walking will help me to lose even more weight.

I'm going to start working on my relationship with people. Calling people more and setting dates for when we can get together, and spend quality time together. I'm not looking for an intimate/love relationship, that will come later when the time is right. Right now it's time to work on me. And that's what I'm going to do. Look out world, here comes the new and improved Katie.

Changes

2007-04-27T00:35:00.000-07:00

Well, to start it off there have been a lot of changes to blogger since I have last been here. I am going through a lot changes right now and will continue to go through changes for the rest of my life. I will be going through emotional, physical and mental changes and they will be challenging at times. I have some pretty good friends that say they will help me go through all changes, I only need to remember to ask for help. In the past that has proven to be difficult for me. There's another change, asking for help. This will be difficult at times and I'm not lying. If I put my mind to accepting the fact that I will need help, then hopefully it won't be so hard to ask for help. This is the beginning of the rest of my life.

Breast Cancer Awareness

2006-10-15T23:42:00.000-07:00

October is Breast Cancer Awareness month. I am posting to remind everyone to do their monthly self-breast exams. It also would hurt to tell all you friends and family too and please include the men in you lives. They too can get breast cancer. Here is how to dao a self breat exam, it only takes a few minutes. and please don;t say I let my partner do it for me, you need to do it for yourself.
How to Perform a Breast Self-Exam
The American Cancer Society recommends beginning in their 20s, women should be told about the benefits and limitations of BSE. Women should be aware of how their breasts normally look and feel and should report any breast changes to a health professional as soon as they are found. Finding a breast change does not mean there is a cancer.
Women can notice changes by being aware of how their breasts normally look and feel and by feeling their breasts for changes (breast awareness) or by choosing to use a step-by-step approach, using a specific schedule to examine her breasts (breast-self exam, or BSE)
If you choose to do BSE, the following information provides a step-by-step approach for the exam. The best time for a woman to examine her breasts is when the breasts are not tender or swollen. Women who are pregnant, breast-feeding, or have breast implants can also choose to examine their breasts regularly. Women who examine their breasts should have their technique reviewed by their health care professional during their clinical breast exams (CBE). It is acceptable for women to choose not to do BSE or to do BSE occasionally.
Women who choose not to do BSE should still be aware of their breasts and report any changes to their health care professional without delay.
How to Examine Your Breasts
Lie down and place your right arm behind your head. The exam is done while lying down, and not standing up. This is because when lying down the breast tissue spreads evenly over the chest wall and it is as thin as possible, making it much easier to feel all the breast tissue.
Use the finger pads of the three middle fingers on your left hand to feel for lumps in the right breast. Use overlapping dime-sized circular motions of the finger pads to feel the breast tissue.
Use three different levels of pressure to feel all the breast tissue. Light pressure is needed to feel the tissue closest to the skin; medium pressure to feel a little deeper; and firm pressure to feel the tissue closest to the chest and ribs. A firm ridge in the lower curve of each breast is normal. If you’re not sure how hard to press, talk with your doctor or nurse. Use each pressure level to feel the breast tissue before moving on to the next spot.
Move around the breast in an up and down pattern starting at an imaginary line drawn straight down your side from the underarm and moving across the breast to the middle of the chest bone.(sternum or breastbone). Be sure to check the entire breast area going down until you feel only ribs and up to the neck or collar bone (clavicle).
There is some evidence to suggest that the up and down pattern (sometimes called the vertical pattern) is the most effective pattern for covering the entire breast without missing any breast tissue.
Repeat the exam on your left breast, using the finger pads of the right hand.
While standing in front of a mirror with your hands pressing firmly down on your hips, look at your breasts for any changes of size, shape, contour, dimpling, pulling, or redness or scaliness of the nipple or breast skin. (The pressing down on the hips position contracts the chest wall muscles and enhances any breast changes.) Continue to look for changes with your arms down at your sides and then with your arms raised up over your head with your palms pressed together.
Examine each underarm while sitting up or standing and with your arm only slightly raised so you can easily feel in this area. Raising your arm straight up tightens the tissue in this area and makes it difficult to examine.
This procedure for doing breast self-exam is different than previous procedure recommendations. These changes represent an extensive review of the medical literature and input from an expert advisory group. There is evidence that the woman's position (lying down), area felt, pattern of coverage of the breast, and use of different amounts of pressure increase the sensitivity of BSE as measured with silicone models, and for CBE using patient models with known small non-cancerous lumps in their breasts.
Whether or not you perform breast self-exams, starting at age 20 you should have a breast exam by a health professional every three years until you're 40. After age 40, schedule a breast exam and a mammogram every year. Breast self-exams can miss tumors, as can other methods of screening. That's why it's important to rely on more than one method to screen for breast cancer. Regular breast exams by your doctor or nurse and yearly mammograms, along with breast self-exams, may save your life.

What to do in a time like this?

2006-10-15T23:03:00.000-07:00

Lately I've been feeling depressed. I had surgery on my knee two weeks ago. I'm starting to get restless. I've been doing things that I like to do like putting a puzzle together, I've done some necessary shopping for me and it felt good but after that I'm totally useless the rest of the day and part of the next day. It's difficult to get around in a vehicle when you're taking pain medicine. I went out to a party last night and I knew quite a few people there but I still felt like an outsider. Three of us were single and we stuck out like a sore thumb. My friends try real hard to not me feel like I'm a third leg, but they can only do so much. I'm lonely and I'm sick of it. I really want someone to share my life with; right now it feels like I'm going to end up alone for the rest of life and I don't know that I can handle that. A lot times I think it will be better tomorrow then I wake up and it's the same fucking thing. BORING. I need to do something to put "life" back in my life. I hope walking will help once I'm able to start walking again.

The next procedure the Dr. want to do on my knee is this, check it out :http://www.stoneclinic.com/articnew.htm . My recovery time will be much longer and I will definitely have to prepare for that, emotionally and financially. I probably won't have this procedure until late January or Early February.

I look forward to everything looking up one of these days. And when that comes along it will be well deserved.

Absolutely Bummed Out

2006-06-18T04:34:00.000-07:00

I'm not having a good time with life right now. To begin with my emotions are all over the board. I'm having a very difficult time with my fundraising, I must raise $2,200 to walk in the breast cancer 3 day(I have raised $200) and 90% of my friends and family are saying no. I don't think I'm asking too much, they can save their pop cans for me and I will recycle them for them at $0.55 a pound, save their spare change for me for 1 month, $5, $10 whatever they can afford. If you can afford to donate anything, the link to my personal web page is, http://www.the3day.org/Arizona06/katiekins. Thank you in advance for your generosity.

I'm also lonely. I'm ready to date and I would really like a partner. Some to share my life with, to do things with and hold me. I see some very attractive women when I go out dancing, I just wish I wasn't so shy to ask them to dance, I also don't want to get to mixed up with a player.

I'm almost sure I would feel better if I didn't have my awful period. Life sucks right now, and I can't sleep.

Since it's 5AM, I may as well go for a walk. Don't worry everyone I will be safe.

Finally

2006-05-29T01:03:00.000-07:00

I've finally joined the 21st century. I have high speed internet!Wow, this is nice. I love how fast it is. Now I only have one problem, I can't get my damn printer to work. I've tried new ink too. I've always moaned and groaned about modern technology "nothing a stick of dynamite won't take care of". Ha ha. If I can't get it to work I'll have to go buy another printer but I'm going to have fun taking my current printer apart just for shits and giggles. I haven't taken anything apart lately. I think it would be fun.

"Time" Sharing?

2006-04-30T03:10:00.000-07:00

Today I went over to Eileens. I spent about 3 hours with her, not enough time in my eyes. That is the first time I've seen her in 3 weeks. Her hair is starting to grow back, it's so nice to see that. I hate the fact that I have to work and I can't spend time with her, I miss seeing her. I told her I missed her and was sorry that I haven't spent much time with her and she said that's ok you have a life and I like it I think it's great. I have made a new friend and do spend some time with her. One of the reasons it's been hard to see Eileen is, she's sleeping so much, like 2 three hour naps a day. She's sleeping more and more. I was thinking of changing my schedule to 10am-6:30pm, to be able walk in the morning, now I think I'm going to change it 8am-4:30pm. I can still get up early and walk for 1-1 1/2hrs and then go to work and after that go see Eileen before going home. Maybe if I go to bed and sleep on it I'll have an answer in the morning.

I'm in a FUNK!!!!

2006-04-22T22:49:00.000-07:00

Today I've been in a funk ALL day and I hate it.. I went to my therapist and she asked me on a scale from 1-10 where was my happiness, I said it was a 4, pretty low huh. She asked me what I could do to make that number go up to a 5 and I started to list all sorts of things; exercise, change jobs, see Eileen, lose weight. I could go on and on. There is so much that I want/have to do but I'm too damn tired to do anything. I don't sleep good at all and then all I want is to sleep. Sleep and chocolate ice cream is the only thing that sounds good. Not even hungry for real food. My house is a mess(thank god for my mom), we won't even talk about my room. My friend asked me why I was in funk and I said "I can't put my finger on it", she said "can you put your toe on it?" She made me laugh. I don't even want to spend money, and I love to spend money.
I fucken HATE this feeling and I don't know what to do to fix it. I'll just go to bed and watch TV.

Why Am I Awake

2006-04-14T23:21:00.000-07:00

It's almost 11:30 pm and I'm exhausted but can't fall asleep, so what do I do? Oh I know, get some chocolate ice cream and play on the computer. I had a busy week at work and thought a couple of times, "why am I here, no one else cares what happens why should I?" Tasks aren't being done as I've assigned them. I'm not wonder woman and never told anyone I was. Someone has offered me a job as a clinical consultant for a DME (durable medical equipment) company, if I'm not happy where I am. $8,000 more/yr, company car. cell phone and fax. I would be traveling throughout Phoenix and the state. Doesn't sound too bad huh. Now I'm totally changing subjects. Last night I went t a country and took dancing lessons, I'm learning how to 2 step. It's actually 6 steps but who's counting. It was fun, I'm going to go every Thursday. I went with my friend Brenda that I met about 1 1/2 months ago. I would like to date her and I don't know if that will ever happen but right now I'm having fun doing things and going places. It's a good distraction for me.

I Just Don't Understand People

2006-04-05T16:25:00.000-07:00

I've been home sick for the last three days. To tell you the truth I haven't missed anyone from work. I've missed seeing my patients but not my co-workers; I wonder if that means I need to change jobs. I don't know where I would go, you get the same political bullshit everywhere. What really disgusts me is the kissing/sucking up that people do at work. That is not my style and I would prefer to not be around those type of people.

There are days when I'm at work and someone will say to me "oh, you are here, I haven't seen you all day" and my response is " I've been here all day, working". Unlike me this person that has been outside smoking all day or kissing up to the boss.

So, needless to say I've been keeping to myself at work and minding my own business. I go out for a break and don't ask anyone. I would just prefer to be by myself and not with people who disrespect themselves.

The Feeling of Touch

2006-03-11T13:46:00.000-08:00

Last night I went out and was the designated driver. I didn't mind, wasn't in much of mood to drink anyways. After I got back to my friends house I told her I would sleep on the couch and she said "no you can sleep in my bed with me". There we were laying in bed chit chatting away, I asked her if I cold snuggle with her and she said yes. It felt so nice to hold someone and have someone hold me in return. It's been a very long time since I had that kind of touch and I miss it dearly. I only wish I could have that all time. I know I will have it some day and maybe it will be with her, if not that's ok. Right now I'm going to enjoy the feeling and see what happens from here.

Feelings

2006-03-01T19:54:00.000-08:00

Today I've experienced many feelings. Sadness, fear, anger and other ones. Why these feelings? I went to the doctor with my best friend today and her cancer has spread to her lungs and there is more "activity" in her bones. I knew it was a matter of time before it started to spread to her organs I just didn't know when. Now I don't know wheather she'll die because she can't breathe or will she be paralyzed first. I've seen people die because they can't breathe and it's a horrible experience. I hate to see the pain she's constantly in. I'm angry because this disease has such a tight grip. Why her, why my best friend? I don't want to lose her, I'm not ready. Are we ever ready to lose somebody?

Taking some time off

2006-03-01T08:52:00.000-08:00

This week I am taking some time off work. I will have a total of 5 days off. My plans for this week are to spend time with my best friend, get my car fixed because I tend to hit shit, get my hair highlighted and REST. I need to do that. I'm also going to the doctor I need a referral for a therapist. I've been doing better reaching out to people, my friends have been great being there for me, but I still need a therapist. Since my best friend and I got back from Buffalo she seems to have gotten a little worse. It's been pretty hard to watch. Today we go to the doctor to find out the results of her latest PET scan.

Rambling Thoughts

2006-02-08T22:22:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow I'm going to Buffalo. I'll be traveling with my best friend. She wants to be able to see her son play college basketball and it is also his Birthday. I watched her kids a lot when we first met so it'll be like seeing my little brother. I hope to be able to go see the Falls at nighttime when the lights are on. I have some concerns about this trip that I believe are valid, I'm concerned about how much pain Eileen will be in with the cold weather. I will be going out in Buffalo on I guess what you could call a date. Her name is Heidi, we are going to get together on Saturday night. I will be also seeing one of my oldest friends, it's hard to believe it been almost 20 years. They say if you're lucky, in your lifetime you'll a handful of really good friends. Right now I can name 4 off the bat. It's sad to think about losing one of then and for that's a reality. Well, let me reality sucks. I found what I hope to be a good book to read on the plane. I don't know if I'll read or sleep, I could definitely use the sleep. Wow, what a bunch of rambling thoughts. Maybe I'll be able to sleep now that I got all that out of mind for the time being.

It sucks to be busy

2006-01-15T20:27:00.000-08:00

I have been very busy the past three weeks and have spent very little time with my best friend. Today I finally saw her and she truly looked sick. Her cheeks were sunken in and she was almost grey/ashen in color. She says she has no appetite and nothing taste good to drink. When she has her chemo she is required to have extra IV fluids. Now that I have help at work, I hope to be able to get out on time and will be able to spend more time with her.

When will I learn to ask for help?

2005-12-16T19:55:00.000-08:00

I can be a very stubborn person at times. In the past I have said "I don't need anyone's help I can do it myself." I have asked for help in the past and it wasn't so hard. The one thing I'm afraid of is that people will think I'm weak. Well, these past two weeks at work have been extremely busy. I have worked at least 10 hour days for the last two weeks, I have had weekends off. Today I was so exhausted I could barely think. It seemed like almost everything I touched was wrong. I finally lost it when I was told some of my co-workers refused to do something because they were too busy. I went to my boss' office with tears in my eyes. I could tell by the look on her face that she had no idea how stressed I was. I closed her door and started crying and "bitching". At one point she had to tell me to breathe and to slow down. After I calmed down she told me to go home, I didn't want to go home; there was so much work to do. She said to me "Katie, you're no good here, you're too tired, you need to leave. I tried to talk her into letting me stay and she kept saying no go home. By time I left work I was thoroughly exhausted and could barely keep my eyes open. I got home and just walked around in circles in my house not knowing what to do. When will I learn to ask for help when I need it instead of waiting till I'm at wits end. Hopefully next time I start to feel overwhelmed I will have the backbone to be able to ask for help.

Whew

2005-12-07T19:40:00.000-08:00

Wow, what a week so far. Work is outrageously busy. All the hospitals have heard that I'm Wound Care Certified and I'm getting all sorts of patients, with some pretty crazy wounds. I have already worked 31 hours this week and will probably put in another 20+ before weeks end. My boss finally realized how busy I am and has authorized for someone else to work with me but that won't start until 01/01/06, but I may be able to get some help 3 days/week for 2-3 hours. At this point I'll take anything I can get.

Wonderful Memories

2005-12-04T18:09:00.000-08:00

I had a wondeful day today. It started out with going to the pharmacy so Eileen could get her pain medicine, she was out and wasn't moving to well. After that we went to Starbuck's, got our regular drinks and then we made our bi-annual trip to the Tempe Art's Festival. We go every year, it's a tradition. We bought some Christmas presents for people. We shared some chocolate covered cheesecake with nuts (too rich for my blood). I treated my self to a Celtic ring, the Tree of Life; the man said it represents the connection between heaven and earth, I felt like it resonated with me. With Eileen's encouragement I got it. Now I have a beautiful ring and whenever I look at it I will have the memory of my best friend, and that will stay with me forever. It was such a beautiful day outside, sunny with a slight breeze. We weren't in a hurry and strolled along, people watching and listening to all the wonderful music. Thank you Eileen for another memory I will cherish forever.

Making room in my heart for others

2005-11-16T20:25:00.000-08:00

I figured out this week that the reason I'm probably not in a relationship is because I feel I don't have what it takes to be in a relationship right now. I focus the majority of my time on my best friend. Right now she needs me and I need to be with her. I feel if I were to get into a relationship I wouldn't be able to devote my heart to her. I don't want her to feel like she's on the back burner, and I can't ask her to wait on the back burner. The thing is, how can I be there for my best friend and be in a relationship at the same time? Is it even possible at this point? Do I really want to be in a relationship right now or should I focus on myself? My gut feeling is that I should focus on myself, but on the other hand I would like to be in a relationship, it gets pretty lonely at times. Maybe my answers will come to me when I least expect it. If they come to me I'll let ya'll know.

My heart is PINK

2005-11-13T11:52:00.000-08:00

Your Heart Is Pink

In relationships, you like to play innocent - even though you aren't.

Each time you fall in love, it's like falling for the first time.

Your flirting style: Coy

Your lucky first date: Picnic in the park

Your dream lover: Is both caring and dominant

What you bring to relationships: Romance

What Color Heart Do You Have?

My intention is to have FUN

2005-11-11T21:09:00.000-08:00

Tonite I'm going out with a friend that came in from out of town. She said she would be to DD so I could drink. My intention is have fun and with any luck meet some new people, maybe I'll even exchange numbers with some ladies. Even if I don't I will make it a point to have a good time. I so deserve to relax and have a good time.

The Robot Ranger

2005-09-26T19:18:00.000-07:00

Your Superhero Profile

Your Superhero Name is The Robot RangerYour Superpower is TelekinesisYour Weakness is HandshakesYour Weapon is Your Dark AnalyzerYour Mode of Transportation is Fire Engine

What's" your Superhero Name?

"Leave me alone" at work

2005-09-15T20:48:00.000-07:00

Why is it that when you're not having a good everyone tells you to "smile" or "cheer up"? Truthfully I want to tell them to "shut the fuck up and leave me alone". Isn't anyone allowed to have a bad day? I try to cover up how I'm feeling at work, but I guess I don't do a very good job at it. Maybe I need to take lessons from someone.

I want people to leave me alone, at work that is, they don't need to know my personal life. As far as my friends go, I'll talk with them eventually, just don't know when.

Obviously, I'm not having a good day or week for that matter. I went to the doctor and told her what was going on (always tired, snapping at people at work, difficulty sleeping) and she said what's going on is "normal, you have to feel something, we can't have everyone walking around numb". Well, to tell you the truth, "this fucking sucks."

Things Could be Worse

2005-09-13T21:09:00.000-07:00

Last Friday I had a horrible day at work. My regular busy Friday got really busy at 11:30. I guess my face showed how unhappy I was with the way my day was going because a fellow nurse looked at me and said "Katie, you could be in New Orleans". That put everything into perspective. So, no matter how bad my day is someone is almost always worse off than me. I am thankful for all that I do have, even if it's not ALL good.

Answers to Interview Questions

2005-09-11T21:59:00.000-07:00

1. If you could travel anywhere in the world, where would it be, and why?

I could travel anywhere in the world it would be Ireland. I would like to look up my family history and all the castles.

2. What food do you never get tired of?

I could eat peanut butter and jelly everyday along with a glass of milk.

3. If you won the lottery today, what three things would you change about your life and why?

1. I would pay off all my bills, why, to be able to buy more toys.
2. I would quit my job to be able to travel the country and volunteer my services.
3. I would hire a personal trainer to work with me to help me get into better shape.

4. Is there something you'd like to be doing in your life that you aren't? Why not?

I would like to be playing my trombone in a jazz band. Why am I not doing this, fear, fear that the other band members won't have the patience to work me because I never learned to read music. I play by ear.

5. What's your favorite memory?

Playing in the woods with my friends Kandra when I was nine.

No "EASY" button for Life

2005-09-05T21:11:00.000-07:00

I was listening to the TV today and I heard, " When you're comfortable with your life, you're not working on yourself; when you're not comfortable that means that you're working on improving your life." (Now don't quote me, I'm pretty sure I didn't remember it word for word but I got the gist of it.) I have been very comfortable with my life lately and I realize I should be doing more to improve myself. I'm pretty sure I know what I should but then I remember how tiring it can be and I avoid it. Avoiding it is not a good thing to do, it's not like things will up and fix themselves self. Why can't they have "EASY" button or life?

Wanting to do more

2005-09-01T20:12:00.000-07:00

As I sit in my house with the air conditioner on and listening to the tv, I think of the tragedy in New Orleans. I wish I had the means to go down and volunteer my help with wound care and nursing in general. Goodness knows they could use all the help they could get. I've never been in a situation like they are going through, I think it would be very humbling. For now I will I pray they will make it through this, stronger people.

Taking care of ME

2005-08-15T20:06:00.000-07:00

Today I joined Curves, a 30 minute workout for women. I've worked out at Curves before and it worked. I lost close to 40 lbs before and a lot of inches. I realized that all the walking I've been doing isn't enough for me. I will be walking T,
Th, Sat, Sun and working out M, W, F. Hopefully this will give me the extra energy I've been looking for, We'll see. This should also help me to prepare for my 3-day walk.

Feeling MY feelings

2005-08-05T21:12:00.000-07:00

Today I cried for the first time in a long time. I didn't cry for long, but I did cry. The emotional rollercoaster of life had reached it's point. It felt good to cry, I would like to do it more often. I need to let the sadness out.

Being there for my Friend

2005-08-05T19:48:00.000-07:00

Today was a different day. Everything at work went fairly smoothly, no major hiccups. My phone rang a lot. Normally my phone never rings. Today it was Eileen on the phone. One time to chit chat, the next time for our hairdressers phone number and the last time to ask me if I would meet her there while she got her head shaved. I figured this call would come, just not sure of when. I told her I could meet her at 5:00. By the time I got there she only had one little piece of hair remaining. I felt very honored to be there. As soon as Eileen saw me her face got red and she started to cry, it felt so good to be there. I feel I am very lucky to have been able to be there. Thank you Eileen. I really do love you.

Not the way I expected to start the day

2005-08-02T07:46:00.000-07:00

I got up early this morning to train for my walk. I didn't sleep well last night, my back hurt and I had period cramps from hell. Oh well, I was going to walk anyway. My friend lives with the pain of cancer I she barely ever complains, so I figure, get over it and walk. I had planned to walk 4 miles this morning. I guess I didn't warm up enough and I was walking faster than normal, my ankle started to hurt and I started to walk with a limp then my back started to hurt; so I decided to turn around and go home. I ended up walking a little over a mile, not what I wanted to do, but I refuse to injure myself during this journey. Tomorrow will be a better day.

Why are some things so difficult

2005-07-31T20:39:00.000-07:00

I've started to see a new therapist and she wants me to read three chapters of this one book. It's three chapters maybe 21 pages. I can't muster up the energy to read it. Why do some things have to be so difficult? I just don't get it sometimes. I guess I'll just buckle down and read it, my next appointment is Friday.

Enjoying the moment

2005-07-31T20:15:00.000-07:00

I decided to stop by her house unannounced. She was sitting there on the patio with her two daughters which was real surprising, they never stop by to see her. After her girls left we got to have some alone time together. I was talking about work and out of the blue she said "Do you see any bald spots yet?", I wasn't prepared for that. It was windy out and her hair was blowing in the wind. I tried to imagine her without hair, it's difficult. As I was sitting next to her I started to think that I need to bring my camera with me for those little special moments. So I will never forget them. I'm really going to miss her. Will I ever have another friend like her? Will I ever allow myself to be vulnerable enough to be able have another "best friend"? Is the possibility of going through this again worth it? For now I will cherish every moment I get to spend with her.

Continue to Fight

2005-07-22T20:40:00.000-07:00

Today my best friend Eileen started her second round of chemotherapy for breast cancer. The reason for the chemo is to slow process of her becoming paralyzed, the cancer has spread to her bones. Hopefully she won't have any of the side effects that come along with this poison. She told me other day she may as well get her hair cut, so if she has to shave it there won't be too much to shave. I spoke with her tonite and she said she is completely exhausted. She's been laying down all day. I will continue with my training tomorrow and know that some day, there will be a cure to this horrible disease.

New at this

2005-07-17T20:15:00.000-07:00

A very good friend sent me her blog and I looked it over and thought this would be interesting. I guess I'm looking at this as if "journaling", it seems like a good time in my life to be journaling. I have a fairly new job and am changing my hours this week so I will be able to concentrate on training for my 3-day walk for breast cancer. You see, my best friend has Stage IV Breast Cancer and has been fighting for two years, it is all over bones and very prominent in her spine and right hip; she will be starting chemotherapy this Friday.